A Brief Case Study in the Language Rules of a Friendship

I am fascinated with language. Language is intrinsically tied to how we experience reality, how we understand the world and each other. Philosophy of language seeks to understand the nature of meaning, how we use language, the connections between language and thought and the connections between language and reality.And in the same way that we can ask philosophical questions about the nature, rules and usage of language in general, we can ask questions about the nature, rules and usage of the personal language spoken between two or more friends. This type of inquiry into one of these of private languages can illuminate the nature of the friendship between those who speak it and tell a friendship's stories, among other things.

Language has rules. Not just rules about how to properly use words to speak and understand language, but also in how language can be used and the ways in which we can convey meaning. An example would be the concept of the metaphor. The metaphor is an example of a language rule which allows us to speak about one subject in order to communicate meaningful information about a different subject.

Similarly, the private language of a friendship has rules. In some ways, these rules provide the context and boundaries for which communication between these two friends to occur. They can also expose deep and profound truths about the nature of a friendship and its depth and character.

These rules can also be less significant, but even less momentous rules have their stories to tell, their context to provide. An example:

I have a friend named Naomi, whom I met last year at college and with whom I had a class last spring. She is a good friend, and we talk regularly and see each other when we can. We spoke recently about our discovery of one of the less significant rules in the language of our friendship concerning the usage of the name "Shira."

Naomi has a childhood friend whose name is "Shira H_____." They are next door neighbors and lifelong friends. This "Shira H_____" is the most prominent and important Shira in her life, and if she were to say "Shira" to many of her friends, the would know almost immediately, and without having to ask, that Naomi was referring to Shira H_____.

However, the most prominent and important Shira in my life is my older sister. Anyone who knows me knows that when I say, "Shira," I am invariable referring to. Naomi knows this Shira, and they are also reasonably well acquainted.

All of these conditions set the rule for the use of the term "Shira" in our friendship's language. "Shira," for us, refers to Shira, my older sister. If Naomi intends to refer to her friend Shira H_____, she must use the term "Shira H_____" in order to identify her.


A simple rule, a simple explanation, a simple story. But these types of rules, even if they lack the profundity that accompanies a deeper truth, carry their own pleasant reminders of moments and people big and small in our lives.